


Universe

by Chancy_Lurking



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abstract, Acceptance, Anger, Crying, Drinking to Cope, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear, Feels, Guilty Castiel, Happy Ending, I Blame Tumblr, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Implied/Referenced Incest, Internal Conflict, Love Confessions, Mild Language, Multi, No Smut, Other, Polyamory, Prayer, Soul Bond, Team Free Will, mild romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-10
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2017-12-23 00:30:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/919853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chancy_Lurking/pseuds/Chancy_Lurking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"But during his time on earth, more specifically during his time with Sam and Dean Winchester, he’d figured something out. Something very important: there is not one universe. Every person that was born on that little blue rock in space was a universe – every last one of them."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Universe

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote a thing… It’s kind of weird… I just… I don’t know… I like it, but I kind of…?? I have no idea where this came from or why it’s like this, but here it is??? (I don't normally do even implied incest so my internal moral whosawhat is all adkjflajfal right now, but that's my problem, I'm sorry, please ignore this note and enjoy the story.)

Castiel had always believed in infinity.

He believed that there had been existence before time began and that there would be existence after time had stopped. That the whole of creation existed across infinity, a spectrum so large that only God himself could ever understand it.  Even as an angel, with a near eternal lifespan, Cas believed that there was too much to the universe for him to witness all of it.

And, in a sense, he still believed all that; some things would always be beyond his comprehension and forever was just as real as right now… But during his time on earth, more specifically during his time with Sam and Dean Winchester, he’d figured something out. Something very important: there is not _one_ universe. Every person that was born on that little blue rock in space _was_ a universe – every last one of them.

They were not just bodies wandering around, succumbing to their own animalist impulses, no, it was _so much more_ than that. Human existence wasn’t just firing synapses and neurons and hormones and urges, it was the universe inside the person being too grand to be held back within their bodies, so it broke out in feeling and movement. Their souls, their conscious minds cried out making their bodies the transport system for an entire world. People were _amazing_ like that _;_ the best of men and the worst of them, something entirely unique and amazing. And even though Cas always been fond of humans,  he never really understood just how amazing people could be until he met the Winchesters.

There was a universe within the brothers; an entire _universe_ , too vast for one being so it split itself in two, beautiful and united and entirely inseparable and, _God help him_ , Cas thinks he finally understands what soul mates are. It was in their eyes when they looked at each other and it poured out of every fiber of their being when they were together and love like that simply _cannot_ _be_ unless they understood each other in a manner that the best of men could only _hope_ to be able to understand _their self_.

When Castiel stood near them, their connection, the universe they shared bled out of them it soaked into him. He breathed it in greedily and clutched at it like a drowning man to a lifeboat because it made him feel so _lost_ and so _at home_ it broke him apart only to put him, shaking and raw, back together again and he wanted _more_. He didn’t want to snatch at scraps, he wanted to be in there with them. He wouldn’t have what the brothers had for each other, he knew that, that wasn’t even what he wanted. He wanted the two of them – their little world together, in his arms and safe and sound or around him and protecting him from the world, he just wanted them. Their universe was the purest thing left in his life and he wanted to get closer, but how could he _dare_ even think it? How could he, a being that didn’t even technically have a _soul_ , ask to be invited into something as intimate as that? It was covetous and intrusive and dirty… Damnit, it was _sinful_.

…He told them that, once.

Not intentionally, of course, but another important thing he’d learned from the Winchesters? If you stomp your feelings down far enough, you’ll just be that much more surprised when they explode and ruin everything.

He was on his knees when they found him; sobbing hysterically and sloppy drunk because sometimes it was just _too much_ for him and he’d been shouting at God for hours to forgive him and to save him and he wasn’t getting an answer. He was scared and confused and the alcohol clogging his system was just making it worse. He felt like he’d been clutching at straws with this prayer by the time he resorted to frantic begging – _Father, **please**_ – for a sign, _any sign_ , when he heard a shout of his name and heavy boot falls behind him.

He thought that Dean grabbed him first but he couldn’t be sure because he instantly shut his eyes and shoved him away because that wasn’t a _sign_ , God, this was a taunt and he’d had _enough_.

He screamed at them how it felt to be near them, how raw and awed and deprived and in love and completely alone it felt. He cried into his hands, because it was so serene that it made him want to die sometimes because he shouldn’t be anywhere near something as remarkable as _this_. He’d almost destroyed it at one point. He’d nearly ripped it apart, a whole universe almost _gone_ for his own selfish gain. He wept because for all he had done, it still melded back together into one magnificent piece, stronger and more beautiful than before and he had _nothing_ like that – never in the whole of his existence, had he even _witnessed_ anything like that.

He sobbed so hard, he made himself sick – his lunch bubbling up and burning his throat with the same intensity the confession had, and, shit, he’d just ruined everything hadn’t he? He swayed dizzily at the thought of not even being able to observe the two of them, retching again before he could even try to control himself.

It crossed his mind he should just walk away, leave his shame in the woods and just carry on. But then Sam was on his knees in front of him, gripping his shoulders, his presence like a salve on the soul Castiel had been convinced angels didn’t actually have. He was lightheaded and still choking on tears, but he looked up and heard Sam trying to soothe him. Even over his own cries and weak protestations, he heared the “ _It’s ok, Cas. It’s not dirty, it’s not a sin. That’s actually… Cas, that’s fucking beautiful, ok? That is the best way anyone has ever described what Dean and I have.  Everything is going to be ok-what? No, we don’t hate you, Cas! How could we ever… There’s nothing wrong with what you feel-.._ ”

And at that point Cas’ voice was raw and he was gasping for breath when he asked Sam to forgive him over and over and Sam is saying it’s ok, but he doesn’t _understand_ , it’s not, it just…

“I don’t forgive you.”

Sam’s face flashed angrily as he twisted to look at Dean. Cas was scrubbing at his face, gulping in breaths of air as his world cracked around him because Dean _shouldn’t_ forgive him, he knew that, but that _hurt so much he couldn’t_ -…

When Dean started towards him, he feared for an irrational second, seeing the fervent look in his eyes, that he was going to hit him. And when Sam got between them, he felt even worse, because he didn’t want to put them against each other, that wasn’t _at all_ his intent.

He was blubbering again, saying just that, when Dean grabbed him by the chin. “I don’t forgive you… Is that what you want me to say?”

And Cas was speechless because he really didn’t know, but his heart hurt and he really thought he could die from this.

“Because I’ll say it,” Dean continued, voice hard, “If you don’t want me to forgive you, fuck it, I won’t. But _clearly_ don’t understand what forgiveness means.” Sam was trying to make Dean stop, but the elder brother plowed on, “If I wanted to forgive you, I would’ve had to have been mad about something in the first place and Cas…” He scoffed, “I’m not!”

Cas still couldn’t find any words, but he was confused (and trying to mentally take his faint hope into an alley and beat it to death, because _no_ ) and it must have shown on his face, because Sam crouched back down, placing warm hand back on his shoulder comfortingly as Dean continued. “Do you even understand what you just _said_? Cas, you are the only one who has _ever_ told us that what we have is something _good_ -…” His voice broke, and Cas was in tears all over again, “And not something wrong. You’re saying that what we feel,” His eyes cut to Sam briefly and he appeared shaken and Cas was suddenly struck with the awareness that Dean had probably never said any of this aloud, “Isn’t _dirty_ , that we aren’t going to Hell for it… That it’s just because we are a _fucking universe_ in two bodies, and how could we _not_ think that is the best thing you’ve ever said to us? The sappiest, yeah, but hey, A++ poetry – still the best.”

There was normal Dean in that last bit, and Cas felt a little less torn open because of it.

 “And saying you want to be a _part_ of us?” Cas turned when Sam spoke, “Cas, you already _are_ a part of us – I mean… Dude, you pulled us out of hell, you marked our _souls_ , how could you not be?”

…Well, now Castiel felt a little silly.

Partly because he had minimized that part so much he’d nearly negated it’s worth, yes, but more because… well, frankly didn’t know what the hell he was asking for.

He was a little startled when his face was suddenly in Sam’s shoulder, a large hand clasping the back of his head as the younger brother whispered into his hair, “If you wanted to be closer to us, all you had to do was _move closer_.”

And there it was. Right here in Sam’s arms, that _this_ was what he wanted. The knowledge that even on the days he was a complete mess and he felt like he didn’t deserve a damn thing, that he would have a place he was _wanted_ , a place he belonged. A placid little universe in a pair of strong arms, but… wait…

He reached out blindly for Dean and the sense of relief that flooded him when the hunter easily slipped under his arm can’t even be put into words… even if he did mutter, “We’re going to have to put a limit to this sissy shit, ok?”

Cas laughed, clutching them tightly – the only universe he’d ever truly wanted to be a part of settled in his arms… and he might’ve even said he loved them.

And Dean might’ve huffed and leaned to kiss his head while Sam whispered that they loved him, too.

 

And so what God didn’t give him a sign…

_At least He gave him a destination._


End file.
